In my (oh so humble) opinion, an even more important component of listening is: remembering. And now that I'm once again in the business of first meetings, I find it lacking in most of my encounters.

As we started to talk, I passed off his lack of eye contact and continual chatter to nervousness. But when I pointedly asked a lifestyle-related question he was non-plussed, stating with reddened face that he'd never been asked that before, and never dealt directly with my question. All I had asked was: "what are you looking for in a partner?" I KNOW he is a 'lifestyler,' he is well known in the community – otherwise I would have assumed he was a beginner trying to fool me. This was not a good first impression.

Our meeting lasted three hours, and during that time he never stopped his monologue. Even so, I still can't tell you where his interests in BDSM lie -- and outside of bondage, he certainly doesn't know mine either.

The problem with this type of non-communication is: If he's not listening, asking questions, or prepared to answer a few, he won't be able to project what any 'bottom' is capable of with certainty. Worse than that, he would have problems keeping partners, or physically hurt them, because he couldn't know if they were his match on a deeper level than pure appearance.

The importance of remembering what we are told (as Dom, sub, toy, or non-specific) goes beyond respect, and has impact on how much potential fun our intimate exchanges are. For example, I always tell my intimate partner in advance how my clitoral barbell makes it dangerous for bare-genital play many Doms seem drawn to, like -- pussy flogging.

This was an issue with one partner I had recently. We had discussed extensively what my hard limits were, and he appeared to understand and accept them. But he forgot this particular detail in the heat of the moment, practically ripping out my barbell because it and the delicate tissue got caught in the strands of the flogger. I'm not into genital torture. Torment on the other hand …*grin*

Of course he was sorry and stopped immediately when I used my safe word, apologizing profusely. I know people get into certain rigid "styles" of playing, but if he had been communicating by listening and remembering, I'd be seeing him again.

Take the time to use ALL your senses including your mind, before getting into more dangerous behavior with anyone.

I won't put myself into mummification with someone I know will leave the premises once I'm trussed. If I forgot to ask this question, then I must take a portion of the blame when something negative happens.

Why is abandonment a problem for me? I hate the idea of being a sitting duck when fate decides to play through. For some individuals fear is the key. For me bondage is sensual, filled with spiking sensations of pure lust, and voluptuousness -- I'm always totally aware of my desirability, and love being watched while I struggle to escape.

So let's discuss how to ask questions.

If you ask a question that can be answered most efficiently with "yes" and "no," then you won't learn much. That's what I discovered in Hotel management = 'open-ended' questions that require more elaboration on the interviewee's part, help you make intelligent and informed decisions later.

For example, if I were going to ask a question of a Dom on our first meeting, it would probably be something to the effect of: "How did you get introduced to this lifestyle?" Or: "What attracted you in the first place?" instead of "Do you like bondage." Etc, Etc.

Perhaps it is as easy as remembering to use "Who-What-Where-When-Why" in your negotiations, which is a journalist's trick of remembering to answer all the assumed questions beforehand for the enjoyment of the reader.

For those who tell me this type of aggressive insistence on communication is UN-submissive, even cold, I laugh. I give myself freely only to the one that respects my safety and intelligence because ultimately it's more fun for the two of us.

As a good friend of mine says: "Take good care of your toys or you won't have them to play with anymore."