A friend of mine, Rocy CaDom has a saying: "If you aren't having fun doing what you're doing, stop."

I walked up the long cobblestone path to the porch and read the sticky note pasted on the door. "Knock hard, or ring doorbell many times, upstairs working." I was happy about that, because I wanted to fix my slipping thigh highs without a witness. So I rang the doorbell once, and flipped my skirt up -- yanking on a stocking so hard that I made a nasty two-bar runner in it. Before I put my skirt down, Xed opened the door. With burning face I said "hello Sir," and followed him into the house.

Unconcerned, he smiled and told me where to put my things.

Xed is a bondage expert that has had many years' real life experience, and is currently training Morganna (his live-in business partner and ex-submissive) as a Mistress. He came highly recommended to me by a woman I knew and respected as someone who doesn't "think with his cock," and whom I could trust to train with good communication and firmness. I liked that he carried rope in his pocket for impromptu scenes. I had already had that small length of rope holding my hands together on several occasions before this, and wanted more of it – MUCH more!

When he first approached me online with the possibility of my being their "house pet," I thought training with both a Dom and Domme was a great idea. And I need training. The benefits would be consistency, and two pairs of eyes to intuit levels of stimulation and control. I'd never before had exposure to the style of a Domme, and hoped that she'd be as open, honest and friendly as she was at the group meetings. Many of my relationship problems are generated from lack of patience, and I'd hoped that as part of this support team I'd not only learn serenity but also push thresholds in an experienced and safe environment.

During my 'courtship' that night, Xed kept me helpless in a variety of positions, including my favorite: Hog-tie. We talked, he touched, I asked questions, and he watched quietly. I was continually amazed at how proficient he was at his ropes, how fast he could change my positions. We got a lot of negotiation-and-play done; we were having so much fun, as the night sped by.

All night, he tested me with different scenarios such as – tying my wrists and elbows at the small of my back in a rope harness and leading me outside the house with only a long leather coat covering my partial nudity. As he brushed against me now and then, he revealed how much he was enjoying it as well.

When Morganna arrived later I was on my belly firmly hog-tied again, and writhing to escape the ropes. She commented abstractly on my 'squirming' ability as she stood watching, to which I responded by wriggling more aggressively for her pleasure (always the attention seeker). After a few moments of general conversation she went upstairs for the night, and I was once again the center of his attention. I felt slightly disappointed; she didn't stay longer and play. But that was short-lived, as the evening progressed and I was mesmerized by Xed's intensity, sensing the nasty imagination behind his eyes. I prayed I would 'pass the test' for both of them. From all indications, it could have been very good.

The following morning when I encountered Morganna in the kitchen she was aloof, but I passed it off to sleepiness and caffeine withdrawal. I chattered nervously about nothing of consequence while making coffee as fast as I could, and set it in front of her before going upstairs to dress. It's hard to believe I'm shy, I know – but I find it difficult to force conversations. So rather than deal with the issue right then, I let it pass. But it was on my mind as I went about my day.

Later that evening at the party we were attending, she continued to be aloof, and I was crestfallen. This was familiar behavior, and I was convinced it wouldn't work between the three of us.

Since I 'came out' in real life two years ago, Doms have approached me for threesomes so often I had begun to wonder if any in Southern California were available. Always they pursued me for play, while the women grudgingly did as instructed. But, what is a slave to do, having already agreed to accept this from her Master? Well, the answer is not necessarily: Enjoy. What it generates is discomfort, not passion.

* * *

1996

Jeff and Jan were attractive fairly well to do vanilla swingers with lovely nasty minds, who participated in BDSM mostly for kicks. I was new to the scene, mostly an online wannabe at that point.

Walking up their pathway to the door I was already stimulated from all the prurient communications I had had with them in Email: Especially after the long two-hour drive during which I had time to review everything in my whirling mind. They owned a glorious house, squeaky new toys he'd told me about, and a great spiral staircase that I yearned to be tied to (Of course I was eventually).

When I knocked, Jeff was the one that opened the door, looking devilishly sexy in his sleeveless black shirt and lace front jeans. He motioned me inside expansively. With twinkling eyes he said "Jan is still dressing," and led me through the huge living room past the staircase to the kitchen, where he asked what I wanted to drink. Over a glass of Merlot, we laughed and discussed everything but what we were about to do, which was the foremost thing on my mind, of course!

Once we worked our way back to the living room Jan strutted towards me, arms open for a 'Hollywood kiss.' She was enticingly dressed in a skimpy leather bra made of studs and strips, leather garter, fishnet hose and heels. She was obviously in full heat as she swayed seductively to the music, and occasionally flitted into the conversation. I thought things were going well as we drank our wine, smoked a joint, and chatted about inconsequentials = their daughter, work, life, my new separation, and change of career.

After a while, I was struggling to pay attention as my eyes wandered between the staircase, Jeff, and Jan. They weren't in a hurry. Finally, I just gave up and openly watched her nearly nude body as she moved about. That's when Jeff put his arm around me and pulled me in for our first hot kiss. Yippee, it was time to play!

During most of the session, I had a blast! I was tied, cropped, flogged, eaten, blindfolded, straddled, and used while cuffed helplessly to the stairs, and chairs = all the wonderful, nasty things I had only fantasized about. The only time it was evident something was wrong, is when Jan touched me intimately. I thought it was an accident (or that she was loaded) the first time she missed my clit, bearing down on my inner labia with her fingernails. But as it continued to happen, I tried to avoid her as much as possible (im-possible under the circumstances). Look, I can take a lot of physical stimulation but I'm not into genital torture.

When he offered for me to stay over the weekend and play, she was aloof. I wasn't disappointed, or surprised.

***

1997

The next time I played with a couple, it was with a well known local flogging Dom and his slave whom I had been referred to on IRC. Over the course of several coffeehouse meetings I decided he was safe to play with. In actuality, I was considering going into training with him. Once again, during each meeting I overlooked the evidence of his slave's silence and sullen behavior because he told me: "It's just her way." Mm hmm. (Insert derisive laughter here). Besides, I didn't realize she would be involved in any of the training, just be present during it. I should have asked.

When it came time to play several weeks later, I sat on his couch watching him 'work' her while shackled by her wrists to eye hooks located on the far wall. He used a variety of floggers, furs, feathers, crops, wheels, and paddles ad infinitum -- with skill, sensuality and caring on her back, bottom, and legs.

He finally glanced at me squirming on the couch, and motioned for me to approach. Pulling my hands efficiently over my head, he connecting them to another hook-and-cuff right next to his slave. I clearly saw how uncomfortable she was as she quickly turned her head from me. Gee, a blindfold would have been good then! Imagine how much fun it was later on, when he tied us together and told us to kiss.

But hey, the spanking was fun!

My biggest mistake was in not ending the night at that moment. Admitting to them honestly that it wasn't working for me, would have been the best thing to do. I continued because I asked her repeatedly beforehand if she was okay with the situation, to which her answer always was: "Of course!" Needless to say, I wanted to believe. Also: I don't like to disappoint.

***

On the night of the slave auction party last February, I was a newly released 'toy' who had volunteered to help at the dungeon that night. I was sitting next to Edith, a submissive who was instructed to teach me how to work the reception desk, and we started to share stories. She had already heard about me from the lead Dungeon Master, so we discussed how hard it was adjusting to being uncollared. Suddenly, she had an idea! Instead of her Master buying a slave for the night from the auction, Edith would suggest me to him. I accepted. <Shrug>

It had been a while since I did a public session, and 'exhibitionist-me' was frustrated. I figured this time since it wasn't private, nothing negative could possibly happen either physically (Dungeon Masters were constantly trolling the room), or emotionally. So once again I questioned repeatedly if it was okay, to which she stated, "Of course."

I thanked her for her maturity and generosity as she went to get her Master. Watching her walk away I reflected that she seemed sincere, and genuinely interested in helping with my notorious 'crankiness.' Cranky can be defined as that state in which you NEED to have what you desire. Okay, so it's neediness! I'll admit to that.

As Jim walked towards me I was struck with the knowledge that I had seen him playing at a party before, and liked his style. Smiling in relief, I shook his hand and said "Nice to meet you Sir."

His submissive introduced us and explained my situation. He seemed intrigued, and pulled me outside to talk and get his tools from the trunk of his car. I looked away, blushing, as Jim stared at me during the 'mini-negotiations.' You know: The "I-like-this-but-don't-like-that" type of impromptu discussion you have before a public session. When he leaned forward and kissed me hard, I tried (unsuccessfully) not to whimper. But the forewarning of upcoming drama was when he pulled me into the playroom by my collar and pushed me roughly against the wall, proceeding to detonate my responses with his mouth nuzzling my neck, and hand working my bottom.

Later when he pulled me onto the well-lit stage, he laced my white skin into an intricate black vinyl rope dress with extreme breast bondage. I was driven with floggers, canes, crops, furs, whips, his hands, and his mouth -- staying in flight almost four hours. I barely remember details, only the flow of energy produced during the session. When I finally had to stop, the most erotic moment came when he pulled the rope from my crotch. But it was over. Finished. Damn.

That night and the next day, many of Edith's (so-called) friends commented to her in Email how sensual our play was, and how exciting. Edith took it badly, and I don't blame her. I would have felt the same way. What I didn't know is that she and Jim had been dealing with her jealousy issues for quite a while, but in her position I wouldn't have thrown someone at him as a test.

Since then, she's accused us of being lovers, and me of instigating the session to get her Master. Then others felt they 'had to' get involved in it. The headache this scenario has created for me is profound. As a newcomer to the group, I felt manipulated unjustly by these undercurrents and there's not much I can do about them now, except move on.

Currently she is released, and he is playing elsewhere. Me? LOL nothing new -- yet.

I took the resulting 'fallout' badly, and wallowed in guilt for a while. Every time I bump into her at a dungeon party, she curtly nods and turns her head. I'm still reviewing how to deal with these issues in the future. My current inclination is to NOT deal with them, and run away the instant someone suggests something similar.

***

So you ask, what of Xed and Morganna?

I made the mistake of being impatient, and declined Xed's offer of training because of my fear; fear of getting emotionally involved and failing again. I found out too late that Morganna's silence was related to personal issues, not at all what I had imagined.

What I have learned thus far:

USE my safe word.

What people want and what they are capable of doing, is usually in conflict.

React in haste, repent in leisure (thanks Mom). I must control my neediness, not vice versa.

Don't let past issues color future pleasure.

Patience, patience, patience. (deep, cleansing breaths and chanting: Ommm)