Lorelei's Diary

Yesterday around noon Rat called me (I'd finally told him my number was listed) and asked if I felt like a burger. (Well no, I feel like a human, but... ) We drove out to the Meijer's area and he ate at Burger King (I just drank an orange juice). Then we toodled over to his room. I had a box of his things in the back of my car so we brought that in. I sat around on his mattress and he danced, cleaned, and played with his kitty "Buttface." After a while he sat down and hugged me.

The last few times we've seen each other we've been moderately affectionate; he understands that I'm maintaining a distance from him because I don't want a relationship with him again.

We just relaxed and snugged together for a long time; but he got to hugging me tighter and tighter and started to nibble my neck. Before we knew it we were terrifically overheated and he pulled my tube-top to my waist and pulled up my mini-skirt and pushed aside my thong and unzipped his pants. You fill in the details.

Afterward we stopped at Meijer’s so I could drop off film, and then I left him at his friend’s house. I think he was feeling panicky, and wanted to get loose from me, to breathe. Just last night I'd read all of Men Who Can't Love which is more specifically about men who fear attachment/commitment. Severin lent it to me, he read it regarding himself, and I wanted to see it regarding Eric. Anyway I recognized much of it from my relationship I'd had with Rat, and for the first time I realized why he always used to up and leave right after our most intimate lovemaking. For instance, I think the second time he gave me an orgasm, right afterward he got dressed and went to play video games for the night.

So -- reading this book made me more aware of the panic attacks that emotion-phobics might have. Rat's desire to spend the rest of the day with me was fighting with a desire to get the hell away from me, and it even confused him. I was very relaxed about it and told him to go have some fun. I think he was relieved. I did remind him again yesterday that I intend to keep distance from him. As I put it, I don't want to become addicted again, because I tend to O. D.

So. Enough of that subject, except to say that I showed him the Bondage Life 32 pages 2 and 3, and he did not have a fit. Also he gagged himself whimsically with the seatbelt strap at one point (it looked rather cute). He also made a joke about a cloth strip he’d tied to a pole in his room. (He said it works rather well to have something to tie a person to.) So he’s making an attempt to lighten his condemnation of bondage.

Not that I'd ever want to encourage Rat to tie me up. I speculate that perhaps he'd be surprised -- it would likely hit him at a pleasurable gut level to suddenly have total control and possession of me. I don't think that would be good for him. And it would probably take him unawares.

Back to the book on men who fear commitment. It explained much of Eric’s behavior and I feel better. For instance, the last two days I was in California, he led me on quite a bit. Later it was as though this had not occurred -- I got a bit paranoid and wondered whether I was misreading reality. But the night we took Enom to the comedy club, Eric sat extremely close to my chair. Anyone would’ve thought we were on a date. He set his arm over the back of my chair and often during the evening our legs were in contact. This was deliriously exciting for me yet all of it was ignored by him, as though it didn't exist. I behaved the same way but I know him -- he’s not so casual that he allows his body contact with others. He’s very reticent about accidental contact, and keeps his body space clear.

Our last night together, which was the night following our photo shoot, Eric was practically reckless compared to his usual self. In a record store with Enom he even grabbed hold of me and clamped his hand over my mouth. I forget the joke which accompanied this but the effect was like fainting -- my whole body erupted into hot nerve endings and my legs weakened -- I almost fell! When he let go I moved immediately to the next aisle; I was so unnerved I took flight. But he came right after me and I remember him talking amiably while I feigned interest in a row of cassette tapes in front of me. I was trembly-shaky but had to act so normal!

At some other point that night he also gave me a sudden hug for no good reason.

Late the final night, we decided to just stay up until it was time to drive to the airport in the wee hours of the morning. We watched television and talked. Somehow eventually he put his hand on my leg and I placed my hand on his. We remained like that for a long time while we talked; again, he acted like he wasn't doing it. It was the strangest thing! In the airport our last hug was really something; I didn't say a word for the last ten minutes before he left. He rattled general conversation which bounced off my silence. But he didn't pull away when I hugged him, and the hug lasted longer than it should have. I did feel some sort of response from him and I felt ambivalent when I boarded the plane -- I didn't know whether to feel happy or devastated.

Reading this book, and understanding it better because I can recognize my own commitment/attachment phobias, his behavior is much clearer to me. My attachment phobia influenced my inability to have orgasms with my partners, and my first few orgasms were in situations which I saw unconsciously as non-threatening. Thus, when that cellist gave me my first orgasm, I knew he was leaving in a few days and I'd never see him again. When I had my second orgasm with Duncan, we were only casually seeing each other. After that, the relationship became serious and I was unable to come again. The first orgasm I had with Rat was the night before I thought he was going to jail.

So from these examples, I can see how the commitment-phobic person might react emotionally... if there’s a safeguard which will prevent attachment, they’re more spontaneous and emotional. It there’s no such safeguard, they attempt to withdraw. The last two days I saw Eric, he was frivolous about exposing his feelings, yet after I left, he froze up. When he made phone calls about my impending move to California, it was all back to 'let's-be-pals'. When I finally spoke my feelings he tried to be open but it was obviously difficult. He said he would call me back in about a week and let me know his feelings. The next time he called he didn't say a word about us, and we simply made small talk. The book states that if I push, it will panic him more. I think that's entirely accurate.

My plans of going to California and meeting my pen pals and immediately seeking some other partner -- those are ideal plans, really. If I sit around wanting him, I'm not going to get him. Because of his fears, the only way I might attract him is by seeming distant. Oh, it's all so silly.

But basically my best course is to look for someone else, and that's what I'll do. No problem. I did learn a lot about my own fears from reading that book. And it certainly describes Jace in a few ways. Looking back at it, I suppose part of the reason I was so strongly attracted to Eric right off was because I was on vacation and it would only last a week -- an attachment safeguard for me as well as him.

I've been working on a story in my head which is nearing completion. It's Cincherella -- I've been turning it over and cooking it on my hot little brain cells and fairly soon I'll have to write it down. I'm afraid that I won't be able to write it down -- I have so much trouble writing fiction! But this story is great and it's got to get written. I only hope I can manage putting it on paper. Part of the story revolves around the Prince being a foot fetishist, and that’s why the Fairy Godmother provides Cincherella with glass shoes -- so that the Prince can see her feet at the ball. This interpretation of the glass slippers makes great sense, but if the story’s worth printing I don't know how I'll live it down when Eric reads it.

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